I’m back with emotional post about my experience 1 year and a half ago. What i will tell you today, i have never told anyone yet. But because my blog is anonymous I’m ready to share with you my experience. I hope I will help someone and please be respectful to me, because it’s hard to tell anyone that, even when my blog is anonymous. So let’s get start.
It was two years ago when i started my last year in elementary school. That year I changed a lot. I decided to quit cutting my hair and to stop wearing my brother clothes. I was really into baggy shirts in neon colors. My trousers were to big for my figure. I mixed colors of my clothes, even if i looked like clown. But than i started to wearing more ‘girly’ clothes. More girly colors, like pink and white with a lot of black color. My clothes were more skin-tight. But my head was disgusting. I can’t look at photos of that year. My hair was like straw and I didn’t take a lot time for it. Even my face wasn’t clean. I got my first pimples. I didn’t know what is powder and yeah, my face was really red.
How ever in my head was tornado. I thought that because of my face nobody like me. I had feeling that everyone talked about my face and make fun of them. So, I hanged out just with close friends, like 2 or 3? When i was alone in my room, it was hell in my head. My favorite songs were about suicide, death, sadness and depression. Constantly my eyes were oriented into depressed and sad things. A lot of my time I searched on that kind of tumblr sites. I also thought that I’m really fat, but I had only 114 pounds or 52 kilograms and I was 170 centimeters tall. My life was mess. I really thought that nobody like me. I was constantly in fight with my parents and my brother. Than one night I found picture, like this one.
I though that cutting will help me. I did one line. Blood slowly flowed on my skin. I felt first tears in my eyes. It was kind a scary, but after that day I cutted my self a lot. That make me feel better and more powerful. I was wearing more and more bracelets and every time when I was with my friends I hid my sadness. It was really painful to watching my beautiful friends and i was feeling unwanted with them. That was most hard time in my life.
Now, when i look back to that time, I don’t even know what I was thinking. Every time I look my legs, I remember that pain. I have scares on my right leg. I think that that mistake will never disappear. I also have one scar on my left forearm. That was nonsensical, but back than I couldn’t help myself. I ‘have’ to soften my emotional pain with self-harming. I didn’t told anyone for that. Now, I think that if I will tell someone, they could help me and I wouldn’t have scares with sad memories.
What i want to tell anyone? If you are depressed or you have same thought like me, please talk to someone. Anyone you want, your family, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend or even with me. I will be really happy to help you, because I know how hard it can be. But remember you are MUCH STRONGER than you think.
Please, if you want someone to talk with you, you can send me email to: firstname.lastname@example.org and I will replay to you soon as I can. I can help you and we could be friends.
Big hug for everyone, xoxo.